Back from school, and sadly, have nothing to say about it.
However, while I was gone, a few things happened. Seems every time I have something published, I am out of town. While I was gone this time, two articles came out in the new Murfreesboro Pulse. One cut from my blog about Rent, another that I wrote spur of the moment.
What is amusing is that when I asked my brother if he saw it, he said yes, but that he didn’t read it. What? I never understand this. It is worse with my parents who read my stuff and then don’t comment. No “this sucks”, or “amazing, my love”. Just nothing.
I would like to say I don’t write to please my family, but that would be untrue. Everything we do is in one way or another related to pleasing or displeasing parents. Does it bother me hugely that they don’t pay attention to what I do? On the small scale –little articles and short stories?--no. But on the large scale—I am a writer?—yes.
Maybe in years from now I won’t mind that my family isn’t interested in what I do. That is one less voice in my head to push away when I write.
Is this why most artists go mad?
Below I include my literary coup d’état that ran in the paper while I was gone. What wouldn’t a parent love?
Beauty is on the Outside
Since the demographics of this paper are mostly the young ‘uns, and young ‘uns have such a hard time in relationships, I’ve put together an easy guide by which to assist when finding, then judging your potential mate. (For those already in a relationship or marriage, below guidelines may also be used when forcing change on your partner)
As I look at the current books about relationships, I see they all have zingy acronyms, training couples into seeing their relationship tied up in three or four words: commitment, caring, coupling, or whatever. I, myself, have come up with an acronym, one that no doubt will combust once this hits the stands and soon I’ll find myself the Dave Ramsey of love, taking calls from Sally in Smyrna and Billy Bob in Bell Buckle.
For now, I want to pass it on to you, because when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, those psychologists and relationship “experts”, are full of crap. Repeat after me FAP. That’s it. That’s your new mantra. When you sit across from that new girlfriend or your husband of two years and you’re not sure if you two will last the distance, just inhale and breathe out “Fap”. Measure them up and make cuts at will.
F-Fashion. You think it doesn’t matter. Oh, think again my brother. I myself, having imported a husband from Australia, had to put up with those black socks and Bermuda shorts. We can fool ourselves into thinking that it is what is underneath that matters, but isn’t what they choose to portray to the world, really who they are? Will a girl with the shirt “With these, who needs brains,” be able to handle the unemployment forms each moth, will the guy wearing an ‘80’s pastel plaid button down get your embers burning? Don’t look deep into their eyes, don’t try and search out that inner essence. If their clothes are hanging off, pinching in, glowing or starched, no session of counseling will ever be enough.
A-Adjectives. Just hearing the words wicked, awesome or tubular makes you line up a person’s personality in seconds. Just like a man who still uses the word, gnarly, I assume hasn’t taken his head out of a bong since March of ’93, adjectives are the window into the head. (Souls are so overrated.)
Granted my husband sneaks in the word obsequious a few too many times, I have to let it slide. But a persnickety, titillating or fastidious would be the deathblow to the whole relationship.
Listen closely my friend. Don’t think that a sentence is just a sentence, less you find yourself doing 10-20 in a relationship laced with super-dupers or copasetics.
P-Phlegm. I can’t stress this enough. The phlegm and/or saliva that your mate possesses at the beginning of your relationship will only increase with the years you are together. And what you overlook at the beginning of a marriage, what you might even call adorable, will make you murderous later on (approximately day 23).
To test this before you have consummated the relationship, make the person say “Sister Sledge swallowed screwdrivers at Stampede”. If the saliva accumulates in the back teeth, possibly making white bubbles appear at the corner of the lips, “check please.” However, if you have already consummated, which is the unfortunate time to realize, “yes, we have phlegm,” then a cupboard of citrus fruits and drinks is recommended to transform him/her back into being Fapalicious.
Now that you are at the end of my diatribe, I know you are thinking, “wow.” I agree. It is about time people put the truth out there rather than this Dr. Phil crap that has couples talking face to face with each other. A quick trip to Old Navy, a ban of VH1 the ‘80’s as well as The Apprentice and a case of Mountain Dew should put any couple on the right track to eternity.